You know what also sucks? While we're on the topic of things that suck.. well, I was going over a list of things that suck in my brain, not so much in a discourse with anyone.. Ahem.. I digress. Anyways, on the topic of things that suck -- imagining someone's "grown up life", you know, when they're married, with kids, or living their life as a recluse, or whatever the hell you imagine this person/friend/family member to do with the rest of their life, and you are nowhere in that image? There are some people, you just know, no matter how much they mean to you now, when you're young and playful, when they grow up and get serious, they won't have time for you, or they won't like you anymore, or they won't have any idea where you are. It's the saddest feeling in the world, acknowledging the fact that you will, inevitably, be erased from the life of someone, and you will still be thinking about them, and they won't have any idea where you are or what you're up to and the worst part is that they won't care. ----------------- And the four right chords can make me cry -- when I'm with you, I feel like I could die and that would be alright.. alright. This morning, when eating my breakfast (chicken fried rice, with chopsticks), in my pyjamas (t-shirt and boycut undies, hehe), on my couch (beside my two puppies), it occured to me that music, just hearing a song, can actually send me back in time -- or at least bring back memories so vivid that I'm convinced that I'm in that time again. For example, this morning, I woke up to Sarah Harmer's "Almost" playing and I was, all of a sudden, back in my apartment on Priestman Street, walking to school with my messenger bag, my green and blue scarf, my hat and mittens, listening to my CD player, and I can actually feel the exact emotions -- desperation, depression, failure, all of the ways that I felt last winter, when I was going out to school and working my guts out and so exhausted. It was like I had skipped back there. In the same way that Sarah Harmer makes me think of my lonely winter last year, listening to Saves The Day, or Taking Back Sunday makes me think of my lonely winter before that, when I lived in a stale, empty room, on a mattress on the floor, and had my discman and.. nothing but an old Italian man who wanted me to massage him and an old Canadian man who wanted me to massage him, and almost got it. The winter that I was so driven by loneliness that I would take 'whatever I could get' and call it love and imagine that it would last forever. It's always the fallen ones I think are always gonna save me.. --------------- On Monday morning, I woke up with a very distinct message in my brain -- it was saying "Nothing is going to happen." I didn't dream or have anything on my mind before I went to bed, but there are a number of things in my life that I could apply the theory that 'nothing is going to happen' to -- going back to school, paying off my debts, a love life, moving out of home, etc -- or even my life in general -- nothing is going to happen. How sad is that? I shook off the sadness and made myself believe that "nothing is going to happen" was in reference to the turkey (read: chicken) dinner that I was preparing that day. If you all remember properly, the last time I had a runin with a holiday dinner (and squash specifically), I spent the evening at the hospital. This time, however, nothing happened! I pulled it off without a fluke and even made pie crust (my extra-proud moment). I'm still alive and still in one piece! Hurray! ------------------- Where do we begin to get clean again? Can we get clean again? I walk home alone with you, in the mood you're born into - sometimes you let me in and I take it on the chin. I can't get clean again -- I wanna know, can we get clean again? And the God of Wine comes crashing through the headlights of a car that took you farther than you thought you'd ever want to go -- we can't get back again. You can't get back again. She takes a drink, and then she waits - the alcohol it permeates, and soon the sounds give way and cancels out the day..
Disclaimer: These are my personal thoughts, emotions and opinions -- they are not intended to offend or aggress upon anyone. Likewise, though I do appreciate a constructively critical comment on occasion, I prefer non-hateful and thoughtful comments with respect to myself. I shouldn't have any problems with that though, we're all grown ups here, right? Please note that any offensive, aggressive and anonymous comments will be deleted from my comments, notes and guestbook, as I like knowing that the rest of my readership doesn't have to read that trash. Also, the HTML on this design has been designed solely by myself, Amanda Neal, and song lyrics are from the song "Wild Horses" by Natasha Bedingfield.
Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2005 ~ 5:43 p.m.
